just another breakdown.

while washing the dishes. ughhhhh. it started out as "oh, my cuss. these are the most discusting dishes ever. coconut milk and stirfry remnants. it looks like throw up. i'm going to throw up." so i told my mom "this is so nasty." and she says "just be grateful everything is handed to you. car gas, car insurance..." and i thought no. that's all. and i've been grateful for that for 2 years now. it's time for me to be able to be grateful for not having to do these gross dishes and then escalated into me crying and tossing dishes around and (hopefully) not breaking any and screaming in my head things like I don't even want to go to college! i've never even thought this far! How the CUSS will i ever be able to pay for things? Will i be able to get a job? You people who are going to college on your parents dime or have a job - BE GRATEFUL you're not in my position. I'm "this" close to killing myself so i don't have to do this.

I've read friends blog posts saying things like "i'm ready, i can do this" or "i picked the right school" or "i'm sad because i don't know what's happening". I'd much rather be where you are. because i'm seriously dreading it. All my leaders are like "this is going to be the best time of your life" or "you're nervous now, but it'll all be better once things get going" and i'm just thinking really? cuz it doesn't seem like that. it seems more like the world is crashing around me and there is no more protection-bubble called home. the date of my leaving is barreling toward me at too fast a speed and i'm just not ready.

I keep wanting to say "it's going to be all good and i'll find a job and be able to live and eat and learn and date and everything" but my brain keeps telling me "you can't get a job here, you'll more likely not get a job there." or something along the lines of "what if i can't pay for my apartment and books and other things so i have to drop out and STILL pay back the loan i accidentally accepted cuz i didn't know what it was."

sometimes i'd rather the real world be crashing and not my personal one. like an earthquake. a literal one with the damage and devastation? yeah. not the mental earthquake that only shatters my emotions and my reasoning abilities.

i'm really sorry about this one. it's just a "why me?!" blog and it kind of makes me seem like a huge downer. i'm just freaking out is all and i just don't know. if there's any way you can forgive me, please do. I just needed to get this out of my system.

i need a hug. and a million dollars.

love, ellen