just another breakdown.

while washing the dishes. ughhhhh. it started out as "oh, my cuss. these are the most discusting dishes ever. coconut milk and stirfry remnants. it looks like throw up. i'm going to throw up." so i told my mom "this is so nasty." and she says "just be grateful everything is handed to you. car gas, car insurance..." and i thought no. that's all. and i've been grateful for that for 2 years now. it's time for me to be able to be grateful for not having to do these gross dishes and then escalated into me crying and tossing dishes around and (hopefully) not breaking any and screaming in my head things like I don't even want to go to college! i've never even thought this far! How the CUSS will i ever be able to pay for things? Will i be able to get a job? You people who are going to college on your parents dime or have a job - BE GRATEFUL you're not in my position. I'm "this" close to killing myself so i don't have to do this.

I've read friends blog posts saying things like "i'm ready, i can do this" or "i picked the right school" or "i'm sad because i don't know what's happening". I'd much rather be where you are. because i'm seriously dreading it. All my leaders are like "this is going to be the best time of your life" or "you're nervous now, but it'll all be better once things get going" and i'm just thinking really? cuz it doesn't seem like that. it seems more like the world is crashing around me and there is no more protection-bubble called home. the date of my leaving is barreling toward me at too fast a speed and i'm just not ready.

I keep wanting to say "it's going to be all good and i'll find a job and be able to live and eat and learn and date and everything" but my brain keeps telling me "you can't get a job here, you'll more likely not get a job there." or something along the lines of "what if i can't pay for my apartment and books and other things so i have to drop out and STILL pay back the loan i accidentally accepted cuz i didn't know what it was."

sometimes i'd rather the real world be crashing and not my personal one. like an earthquake. a literal one with the damage and devastation? yeah. not the mental earthquake that only shatters my emotions and my reasoning abilities.

i'm really sorry about this one. it's just a "why me?!" blog and it kind of makes me seem like a huge downer. i'm just freaking out is all and i just don't know. if there's any way you can forgive me, please do. I just needed to get this out of my system.

i need a hug. and a million dollars.

love, ellen

Just a quickie.

Basically, i just wanted to post now that i had all my birfday pics on my lappy. Even though i was planning on going to bed early. so tired. but here's these. hope you like! also, they're kind of backward so deal.

Yay! After we blew bubbles and played frisbee and catchphrase and drank lemonade, we played twister! I'm pretty sure Maddy won this one. woo!

My frans gave me way rad gifss! what cool friends. fro sho.

Awe! They put cakes in an 18 cuz that's my age now! wat awesome peeps.

Look at me being surprised! KarKar totally got me on this one. WOO! Happy!

And that's that. i put a ton of more pics of this on facebook cuz it was super faster and because, like i tole you, i wanna go to bed.

And i love you. or something.

Love, Elle-o-rama

The 90's are ALL THAT.

no, seriously. that's what i did tonight. I watched All That and Clarissa Explains It All and Doug. oh, my. blast from my past. mostly... sortof...

i didn't really have cable as a kid but it still worked out that I would see shows like this at random times. I remember watching a lot of Lizzie McGuire and Rugrats when i could. OH and The Amanda Show was a great one too. oh, the 90's.

as nostalgic as i am about my past, i'm not wanting to revisit it that much. ever. I don't think i could stand all that crap humor (i.e. over-exaggeration, extreme sarcasm, awkward people, etc.) and the really bad outfits. Belly shirts never look good on anyone ever for any reason. also chokers were a bad idea. and mom-jeans. well... maybe not mom-jeans. they're still cool if worn right. preferably without ankleboots. And the animation wasn't all that great either. But as much as i love the realistic-ness of now-a-days animation (not really), i can't stand the creepy lines and awkward gestures and it just weirds me out mostly.

other than that, the 90's were fine.

oops, i forgot the music.

hah.

stereotypical boybands and angsty girl groups, all the way. the 90's was definitely a time of "What makes you different makes you beautiful" (Backstreet Boys) and "I tried to page you twice; you just roll your eyes."* (LMNT) and over-choreographed music videos.

Remember when Justin Timberlake had curly hair with frosted tips and oh, yeah, was in a band and now he's a big-shot actor? Or when Brittany Spears was a not-so-innocent teen pop sensation? good times. hah or "Ice Ice Baby (dun dun dun duhduhdun dun)"(Vanilla Ice) or, my favorite, "Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and gooooooo"(Boy George)** Oh, or how about when everyone was all "U Can't Touch This"(MC Hammer) or "Everybody Dance Now!"(C&C Music Factory) Oh, Oh! Or what about "Whoomp, There It Is!"(Tag Team) (sounding more like "Whoop, Thaitis!"). classic. Or my number 1 most hated dance song of all time "Cotton Eyed Joe." (i refuse to provide a link for it) I can't believe they still play that at dances! Every time i hear it, i'm out. no way am i joining that ugg-o line dance. i refuse. ororor! (to end this on a higher note) the oh-so-favorable "I Want It That-a Way" (Backstreet Boys)

And that's all. ALL THAT. oh, yeah. whatever.

Love, Elle-der wand (for those HP-nerds)

*I couldn't find the official music vid for this but i didn't want to leave it out because it's such a classic. so you get the jo-bros. there.

**lolol. i love this music vid. if you don't visit any of the links, i implore you to watch this. it definitely changed my life. forever.

Milestones... yeah!

so. I've hit this milestone. called 415 page views. and 7 for-real followers (i know those of you who check this puppy out and aren't really following it. it's okay, i forgive you. maybe you can make up for it in comments?)

Also this milestone called less than 4o days till i move out. sob sob sad, yeah. To say i was stoked to move out would be a lie. but so would saying i don't want to. I think i'm at that happy medium which is called i'm okay moving out even though i know it's going to be tough and i won't be able to see my mommy and daddy and abby every day and my roommates probably won't be as entertaining as them even though i'm judging them before i even met them. yeah. i haven't met my roommates.... which is kind of stressin' but whateves. i'm sure they're wise and cool and i won't hate them. either i won't hate them or i'll def be spending a lot of my time online or at the pool or at a cool job i'll get...

i'mma go chill with my landlady's fam tomorrow! (or today. you know me and late-night blogging...) we's gonna eat yummy food (pipikaula, maybe?) and play games, probably. and Kahi will probably beat us up with his new swords (don't worry, my mom and i tested them on each other and they're not painful.) and bubbles and it's gonna be great. i just have to get through church first. blah blah

oh! and a cool thing. I'm dying my hairs on probably monday. I'm going a light light brown (more like a darker blonde...) and i hope it looks good. and gets rid of this pretty ugg-o pink thing happening that used to be purple. yeah... eh. but yeah.

AND AND AND. i kinda wanted to save this for later in the post because it's the best part. and maybe you didn't read all the middle part and just skipped to the part where in big caps letters it says : I GOT A SWEET NEW LAPPY FOR COLLEGE! because it's seriously awesome. like the air vent is on the side so i can set it on my bed without it dying! and it's tons tons tons faster. it's a toshiba and it's new and it's got a 15.6 inch screen and a 10 key and a web-cam and a cool book store thing and google chrome and a fancy track-pad and boatloads of memory... rock on.

it's just black. but i got a snazzy new case for it to keep it safe in my backpack at college when i'll carry it to class because the battery lasts longer than 45 seconds! more like 6 hours!!! oh, i'm so happy with it. so so much. ugh. this makes college seem a lot better. plus parentals are paying the first month's payment to pay me for my laptop for Abby. and it's only $60 a month. for 6 months. so awesome.

All's i gotta do is buy books, pack, check my uvlink thing often to make sure i'm still good to go, and i'm good to go to college! except i just looked at my overall estimated cost for the year and it's waaaay more than i was hoping. but i bet i can do this. it's for the whole year, not just the first month... the first month will probably be the hardest though. lalala great.

this has been another post that probably would be better written down in a journal but i only use my journal to write about my day by the wonderful (narcissistic a little bit) me.

love, elle camino

I spend my evenings

drawing and blogging. I know! She draws? well that's arts. uhm and i'm kinda proud of these two. namely the second one but the first still is cooler than nothing. and blah blah yeah. oh. and i edited them on picnik a little so the pencil would stand out more because i don't have a scanner and my camera isn't all the best.

this is a guy who's kinda nerdy but i still like him because i think he's me but in a boy way. also, i didn't have room for it on my page, but imagine him with a super rad watch.

This one is kind of inspired by this pepsi can sitting on my desk and my love of fishies and i guess cages are metaphors for something. i don't have to explain all my art right? i'll leave this to ya'll's imagination.... do do dooodleeeedoloooo (mystical music)

yeah! i can arts. I am arts. well... sortof. I'm also English (you know.. the grammar/phonetic version. not the "pip, cheerio, and tea and all that" kind of English.)

blah blah blah

love, ellen

365 Days of... Summer

i was tempted to title this "Busta Moove" cuz that's the song playing. and i know all the words to it. also, this is funnier because me and the fam were playing Catch Phrase (i got my parents to love it! woo!) and Abby and I were on a team and the clue was "year" and i said "365 Days of..." and Abs said "Summer" thinking 500 Days of Summer. hah.

Anyway. back to being a blog. or whatever.


Basically, what I want to say is, this summer is 100% better than last summer in a hundred ways. i'd name those ways but it's night, no suprise, and i don't actually think i could do that what with me not wanting to bore you to tears and all.

I'll just say these things
in a bulleted list!

• I have done way way more this summer even though i definitely have gone less places. which sounds weird, but even with not going to girl's camp, i'm still doing way more things with cool peeps.


• I'm not sitting around staring at a tv all the time. I'm definitely not saying i've stopped watching tv... but i'm definitely not only watching it.


• I'm listening to much more music.


• I'm becoming a peggle-master (shut up, mom and abby. i'm still working on it. BECOMING is the key word there)


• I'm definitely shopping much more. shopping does not mean spending money. you know me and my love of thrift. plus, even if it's a sweater or something i always say something like "this'll be great in college!"


• speaking of college, i figured out my first month's rent. which is pretty managable. i am hoping to invest in a good laptop (sorry, lappy, but you're just not cutting it what with your slowness and small storage and poor battery power and the fact that you're the size of a human infant.) with some of the leftovers after books and food and stuvs. lucky me i got a tons of household necessities for my birfday! cool. now i don't have to pay for those.


• Oh, Teresa and me bought 2 boxes of mac and a box of muffin mix today for under 2 dollars. fro serious! that's like a whole day's worth of food (muffin for breakfast, mac for lunch, muffin for snack, mac and muffin for dinner, muffin for dessert) for the price of one meal. awesome. i'll rock at college.


• uhm. oh, yeah. still on the job-hunt. So i think i'm moving down either the 12th or the 19th and then getting a job and getting settled in and all that so i can pay for the second month's rent (which will definitely be cheaper than the first month's with the cleaning deposit, but not by too much) and the next month's.


• here's hoping i can get my books used for cheap. please bless.


• oh. there's not really much use for a bulleted list for half of this.. but still. it's funner to read like that.

Anyway, Happy Summer, all. And Dear Miss Erin, we miss you greatly here and want you to come back swiftly and safely. Love, all of us.

Love, Ellen

Oh, and i took this pic of me. this was just before i cut my bangs. so yeah cool and stuff.

Alright, Alright, I'll admit it.

As much as I'm against Harry Potter and how it sicks me out to talk about it for too long, I did enjoy the movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2. it just might be due to the fact that i have a huge huge crush on Matthew Lewis.

Oh, my. Just look at his beautiful face and gorgeous teeth and wonderful eyes and his super handsome suit. i just love it. And he's a HERO! not just to me, but Harry Potter and his mates.
ugh. why can't i like be his best friend and then girl friend and then wife and eternal partner? (yeah, i'll have to convert him. shouldn't be too hard though... right?)

On another note that's kind of the same not but a different blah blah blah. My brain keeps thinking in British. seriously. Didn't think that could happen? try excess amounts of Beatles, Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, Harry Potter, Charlie McDonnell, and the Georgia Nicholson book series. So now my brain says things like "mum" and "snogging" and "nervy spaz" and "mates" and that. and it accidentally said bloody but i don't think that counts as a swear because it's in my brain and we're actually in America, not England. whatever.

Anyway, it was great. and I'm awake before noon on the day after the midnight showing where i got to bed at 3:20. but it was worth it.

oh, and another thing that is not on that note at all.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TWO OF MY BESTEST CHUMS
HANNAH and LEXI! I hope your day is filled to the maximum brim with fun and happy things and presents and the likes. You know, party it up. You don't turn 18 or 16 every day! So kick it into gear and rock it. or whatever people say these days.
Love, Ellen.

Ok, Siriusly.

No. Seriously Sirius.

I'm getting into Harry Potter (sometimes I accidentally think i'm funny and call him Happy Router because that's how it comes up with T9 texting and it's funny.).

I know, right? I've been so against it my whole life. I would try to go with it and everyone would just start bombarding me with "YOU HAVEN'T READ IT YET?" and "I have the whole set of books, you can borrow them." or they'd just go on and on about it. basically ruining the whole series for me anyway. so there was no reason to read them, because i knew almost all you needed to know with it to be a part of any conversation.

Ugh. this is making me not want to like it again... i'm still trying to ease myself into it. I don't want to talk about how great the books are compared to the movies or why the 5th book is boring or great or why you think it's stupid how ron does this or neville is whatever. I DON'T CARE. I'm not going to start comparing myself with the characters either. I don't really care what house i'd belong to or if I would be with or against whoever or whatever.

I'm letting myself enjoy them through the movies as if there were no books or fads or obsessors or anything. I don't want to be put down by those who know every little detail there is about all the charactersI'll be the first to admit, i'm a slow reader. I don't want to take all the time to go through all the books when i could be reading something else or doing homework. Plus, they'd ruin the movies for me.

But here are the things I will say about Harry Potter:

1. they are just the kind of movie I like: action adventure with romantic twists.


2. I love Neville (yeah, shut up. I tend to go for the nerdy guys who know magic (no, really. the last 2 guys i dated knew magic.)).


3. I LOVE GARY OLDMAN. yeah, he's old. So is George Clooney but that doesn't stop anyone. I love him as Sirius and as Lieutenant Gordon (Dark Knight) and he's just an amazing actor.


4. It's fun to be apart of something. Now that I can talk a little about it, i'm definitely feeling like i can be accepted into "society" again.


5. Now i have something else to do this summer! or at least this week... i'm going to the midnight showing of the very last one in a couple days, thanks to Emily's birthday gift, and i have to dress up. which i'm not thrilled about... but i guess it's all for the cause. I have this hideous blonde wig.. so i'm thinking i'll just wear that, a flowy teeshirt and some capri's and no shoes and just be Luna Lovegood. sounds easy enough....
   

Anyway.. before i sick myself of Harry Potter.. i'm going to tell you about my good news! I cleaned my room today! I cleaned out a bunch of junk from drawers but i'm far from being rid of it all. mainly because i just don't want to throw some of it away because it could go to something better. like the DI or a charity or something.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE BEST NEWS! So, when i was helping Abby with her girl's camp braiding party, the mail came and guess what was waiting for me? MY AP SCORES! (friggin' finally... sheesh). And Here's what I got from worst to best:

English Lit: 2

English Lang: 3

Psychology: 5!!!

I seriously never thought i could do that well on a test ever. plus i'm pretty sure i faked all over those essays... but still a 5! I'm so proud of myself.

and before I absolutely close, i just have some ranting i need to get over with. skip if you wish.

OH MY CUSS. Dear blogger.com, will you stop being such a piece of crap? Honestly, I can't stop having problems with you. first, it's that you won't post my blogs as paragraphs and now you won't let me comment or follow anyone else's blog. don't be such a bum. love, ellen.

good night or morning or day or whatever.

Love, Ellen.

A Birthday and some other news.

I've gotta start out by saying I have the best friends in the whole world.
I'll start from the beginning. logical, i know.

So yesterday was my birthday (technically 2 days ago because i'm posting at night again, no suprise) and I woke up at 7 and got ready and went down to UVU. after waiting, getting lost, and having a mental breakdown, we finally got to our meeting. We sat down and discussed my major and what classes I needed to take. I got registered (French, Environmental Management, English 201H, and American Lit to 1865). Then! I went to the financial aid department and got my scholarship! Best start to a birthday ever!.

Then we went to Noodles and Company for lunch - yum. came home and i think i have a nasty habit of falling asleep in the car when there's no stimulating conversation. i can't help it! anyway.. got home and opened 45 presents from my parents and Abby. A picnic basket filled with essential living things (from medicine to tools to hygiene to cleaning supplies) and a pillow and some towels.

Waited a while and then went to Daniel's house. We watched Pride and Predjudice and he made me a cake (yum! Thanks, Daniel!). Then we got a pizza and some pop, went back and ate. I left and picked up Emily and then went to Scott's suprise party. We sat around and chatted to a couple people. everyone ate but i already had. plus it was kinda awkward cuz it was his birthday too. anyway, they were nice enough and put 3 candles in what was left of the cake for me to blow out. then the lights went out, my old friend Lilly came, and we danced. and everyone left the pavillion. where we were dancing. they just stood on the outer edges! What? okay.. anyway...
I left and went back to Daniel's house and watched the last 1/2 hour of P&P and told them about the party. then I took Teresa to my house and we looked at my gifts and then I took her home.

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE HALF OF IT!!!

Today started out pretty normal. I woke up at like 11 and went upstairs. I sat around and watched tv... Abby came home with blue hair (oh, yeah. did I say I dyed some of my hairs purple? it's kinda fading already but i have some purple left over to redye it.), and my mom said "just go get ready." so i did. and then i sat around for a while. ate some watermelon. Grandpa came over and gave me some money (THANKS!) and we visited and we're going boating sometime. then i get a call from Karlie. "Hey, me and Jaycee just bought some kites and we were wondering if you and Abby wanted to come fly them with us" "SUre!" "k, i'll be there in 5"

She comes, Abby packs a camera, i find more kites just in case. We get in her car and drive to the park. I get out and SUPRISE!!!!!!!!!!! All my friends (minus Miss Erin who's in Florida (but i did recieve a call from her on my real birthday)) were there and they had cakes and soda and chips and tons of fun things to do and gifts and it was so great!! We played frisbee, catch phrase, twister, took some pics, danced, ate, and it was ultimately the best party I ever went to.
I am so grateful to have such wonderful friends who think of me and I couldn't ask for anything better! I was seriously giving up on my birthday all together, but they definitely pulled it out of the trash and made it amazing. I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH!!!!!!!

And that's how I had the best birthday ever.
Now onto the not-so-whatever bit called the other news.
So this summer started out with me and a summer romance. After a bit of fun, i went on vacation and everything kinda came tumbling down (not due to the vacation, i'm sure, but still. that's when it happened.). He stopped talking to me and we never hung out and it was just a bummer. Then, at the party last night, he talked to me. and it was so awkward. I've basically just gotten mostly over him (after a 19 page text and a breakdown) and i realized we'd probably never hang out again. Then, tonight, i get a text with him saying he's having a breakdown and is just so busy and wanting me to define things. so i say "I figured a summer romance" and he says "thanks. now it won't be awkward." and i think "probably..."
and that's the news.

And now i'm just content.

Thanks again to my friends and family and UVU for making my 18th the best birthday ever. I love you all!
Love, Ellen

Recipe for Success

well... i guess you could call cookies success... anyway...
I made cookies! And i came up with the recipe! It's kind of a personal spin on a different recipe but i'm still gonna say i came up with it. And i don't have a name for these babies yet and if you think of one, i'll use it.

Ingredients:
1 box Dark Chocolate Fudge cake mix (you could probably just use any chocolate cake mix, this is just the one we had on hand and it was delicious)
About 1/3 cup oil
1 Egg
Between 1/4 and 1/3 cup milk (depending on the consistency you're looking for)
1/2 cup peanut butter (i actually used a little less than that because we only had 1/2 jar and it was the good kind but i think 1/2 cup is ideal)

1: put all the ingredients in a bowl.
2: mix it up well and make sure it's the consistency you want it. I like my cookies soft but it's totally up to you.
3: Bake at 350* for about 12 - 14 minutes (again, based on preference)
4: take them out, let them cool, eat.
For added tastiness, spread some peanut butter on the top (or, if you have a good peanut butter frosting recipe, use that. i don't know one, so i'd just go straight for it.)

I promise, they're delicious. I ate like 3 today. You might want some milk with them, because they're kinda rich.

Also, Happy Birthday, America! Hope it's kick-butt.
Love, Ellen.