And in the end...

i could end that title with "the love you take is equal to the love you make" and make it a Beatles thing (which, you know I would) but this has nothing to do with taking or making love. it's the end of the year. and it all comes to a screeching halt.

I've been restless, bored, stressed, apprehensive, nervous, excited, tired, and all the other emotions that come with graduating high school. I especially love telling everybody, even the people I don't know and will probably never see ever again, that i'm graduating. I'm just so ready and I just know this is what i'm supposed to be doing. Every time I see a "Congrats, Grad!" balloon or a cake with a graduation cap on it, i say "that's me! I'm graduating!" and then i want a balloon or cake.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said "All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better." It kinda sounds like "make life" but I want to say it means that you've got to try new things to make your life better and what's newer than starting fresh by graduating from the old, mundane life that is high school?

Abby's been having a tough time lately and i just keep telling her "wait until high school, it's always getting better." And it really is. There is no way i would go back to elementary school or junior high or, heaven forbid, sophomore year. There is just no way. I'm glad i had the experiences and all, but i'm ready to move forward and start this new leg of my life.

It's just going to be a challenge. An ongoing battle against all odds that is daily making me stop and thing "oh, my. Is this all for real? Or am I stuck in an 'inception' moment?" I end up pinching myself and realizing, boom, it's happening. and it's tough. Finding a job is the worst of it, for now at least... Once I gain employment, it'll all be uphill and I will be able to have a good time in college.

I think I'll end with a quote by Paul McCartney (yeah, sorry. I had to.) that goes
"I never look forward, because I have no idea how any of it happened to getting here. I've no idea how the next five years are going to be." Which is just so true. I'm sending my future self a letter and it'll be interesting to see what I was in 5 years time.

Sincerely,
Ellen
Class of '11
(hey, that rhymed. unintentional.)

One Word: Noob.

that equals me. I just got a twitter and they're such work! you have to come up with witty things, compete with others for attention, keep up with jokes and stuff... it's tiring, really. I have more than half as many followers as I do me following them(what? that doesn't even make sense? but it does. if this was like 2 years ago, no one would know what the heck i was talking about and probably put me in an asylum...). I don't know how to make twitter better though! because it eliminates all the boring junk facebook has but is not nearly as interesting. Why can't there be a happy medium?! whatever... i'll just keep going and maybe i'll get the hang of it or get @mentioned or something. meh.

Also, i've been hanging out at the local open mic night like every weekend... it's fun and cool and i can only wish I was as good as half of them. or knew how to play the guitar... hah. i'll stick to my uke for now, thanks. Or, if I had some splurgin' money (stinkin' college. I STILL need a job!) i'd go for bass. but i don't. So i'll keep practicing and stop being such a dumb about my voice. I'll be singin' loud and proud one day and it'll be great.

tomorrow morn i'm playing the piano at the Legacy House (or whatever.) for their church service. I've only heard of any of the songs they are having me play. so i learned them in like 3 weeks and i'll be playing for crabby ole peeps. please bless they don't criticize me...

Being the first child, i have to take on a lot of responsibility in everything because I just do and i'm the first one (sibling) to graduate high school and I don't know what the heck i'm doing. I'm constantly doing something and i'm kinda stressed to the max about all this even though like 70% of it is partying and the other percent is boring speeches and something.

ugh. speaking of speaking... I have to give a talk at seminary graduation. I didn't even wanna go! Now I also gotta sing in it too. Why? I was never a big part of seminary, I just never missed any days and participated every once in a while. like a very average person does.

and seminary! I was asked to play uke in the end-o'-year assembly. golly wolly was a goose... this is gonna be great... i think i'm gonna have to sing too because a uke solo isn't as fun unless you know what song it is.. blah blah blah.

anyway... one nice thing is I just got back from a pretty relaxing vacation at Snowbird Resort. so nice... we swam in a pool. outside. while it was snowing. the pool was heated so it was great but it was sooooo cold after. so much. and i drew some stuff and we played games and watched movies and ate yummy food and slept. and i threw up the last night.. but then I was fine. hallelujah. And, when we got back, there was like a foot of snow on the roof of our car and I got out in my long sleeves and pants and promptly changed into shorts and a teeshirt and sandals.
-note- weird. i never wore sandals. ever. But lucky me! now the "gladiator" sandal is in style and that covers most of my foot so I'm not all self concious or whatever and also it stays on my foot so i'm not falling over or junk! wahoo!
blah blah.. i'm done.

night, all.
-Ellen

Break on Through.

yeah. still in that 60's kick... hah. well, that's okay because there's so much to love.

I can't believe it's almost OVER!! I'm getting more and more excited every day. Seriously. All the nervousness and anxiety is gone. All the AP and CE tests are over, all i've gotta do is make it through class without killing myself from boredom and i'm home-free. WOO!! Let's see.. i've still got seminary graduation, baccalaureate, senior banquet, senior panoramic pic, senior ditch day, GRADUATION, and All night Party! Yip!

We're going up to snowbird soon because my ma's boss is letting us borrow her condo. It's gonna just be an awesome time relaxing, cooking, playing games, looking at scenery, staying warm (snuggies!woo!), and bonding. I can't wait! And plus missing class is always the bomb.

I've been taking a lot of naps lately... like i slept for at least 4 hours today after school.. well... it was more like 2 (let's see... from about 3 to 4:40.. yeah. 2 sounds right.) And I only did some homework. like writing a letter about an addiction simulation i went through. I will NEVER get into drugs or alcohol. Way too much work hiding it and i definitely don't want to spend money on crap like that.

I also wrote a bucket list. or part of one... I'm going to finish it and post it up here cuz who doesn't love a bucket list? 'Cept I wanna call it something like "List o' Mania" (lol, liztomania by pheonix...) or "Ellen's List of Achievable Possibilities" or something. something good. Any suggestions, feel free to tell me. like a comment or something. ya know.

I'm doing a portrait for my drawing class and after thinkin bout it and deciding I should do something meaningful for my mom or family or something... so i'm doing a picture of my Grandma Jones when she was 16. Why didn't she pass on her incredible beauty to me? I mean, 16 YEARS OLD. i'll post a pic or something sometime. cuz she's just so great.

OH. How could I forget?! I went to Lagoon with my mates: Hannah (for her clogging competition), Erin, Maggie, Mandy, Karlie, Rachel, and Ashley. We had a BALL! I can't believe I actually went on rides. I'm such a wuss and I went on rides!! WOO! I went on Bombora (twice. seriously, it rocks my pansy-world.), the White Roller Coast (why. why do i do this to myself? worst.), The Bat (meh. I got sick. but that's norm for me), Flying Aces (last time, i threw up. This time, minimal nausea. but still some...), Space Scrambler (twice. fave.), Sky Ride (hate. heights.), Tidal Wave, Odysea, Tilt-a-whirl, Musik Express, Bumper Cars (twice.) and ate yummy food and watched everyone's purses a bunch. We saw about 0 hot guys and 47 adorable babies. I guess we're just maturing, ya know. Anyway, had loads of fun. a loads.

Anyway. I'm going to bed.
oh. and go to anti-joke.com and laugh your face, pants, off and your guts out. you won't regret.
-Ellen fellon.

Here's to Her!

Her meaning mom. My mom specifically. I freakin' love this woman all the time. I mean, how couldn't I? She's the person who gave me all my quirks and knowledge. Yeah, teachers teach and stuff but like math will help me in the real world. and English is great, but i don't think i need to know anthimaria to be able to get the guy I want. She taught me all the knowledge i really need to know. AND on top of that, she continues teaching me every day. along with numerous other children in need of her service.

It's kind of nice being able to share my mom with those kids in reading club. They get to see how awesome and loving she is when I'm not there (aka at school). I love hearing my mom's stories about how this one kid in her class tells her to blow her nose or how this other girl is really progressing. It's just great all the time.

Sometimes she tells me "You're an odd duck..." and I say "You're the one who raised me!" and i wouldn't have it any other way. If she had similar quirks and got a guy like my dad, I have no problem with it.

I really like when we go to the store for a wedding gift or something, pulling into the vehicle aisle (hilarious carr joke, if you didn't catch that.. but seriously, that's where we go first. it's got the fire extinguishers.) and go through the list. then we end up buying something kitchen-y, looking in the clearance for clothes, buying a candy bar, and eating it in the parking lot before heading home. i don't think i'll ever forget that.

I'm so glad she taught me how to cook and clean. Seriously, forcing me to do my own laundry at 14 has really helped me be able to know how to do laundry. I know people who move out of their homes not knowing the first thing about a red sock in a white load and i'm glad i'm not one of them. She teaches me by telling me, which i like. I sometimes like a visual aid, but if i'm just told "boil it, add it, simmer it, drain it, blah blah" i'm much more able to learn by myself. I don't need my hand held all the time, and she knows that and has really helped me take my first steps of real life.

Also, i totally love my mom's style. I listen to more music that she used to listen to than what the teens now listen to. if that makes sense. I love wearing her old jewelry or shirts (even though she through a lot of them away... it's okay. i still have dad's shirts to make up for it.) or having her help me put together an outfit. Some things i find normal, though, she finds rediculous. like wearing mismatched socks. or wearing boots in the spring. or golashoes (golashes that aren't boots, rather shoes.) on a dry day. but that's okay. i get around them. Like i'm sure she did when she was my age.

She has taught me not to be predjudiced against people, especially those of another religeon. That's one of my most valuable bits of knowledge. She ultimately taught me how to avoid the fundamental attribution error as much as possible. Of course, it still come out when i'm driving or when someone is rude or something, but i try not to think of people as jerks all the time, rather people who have been in a rough patch and are just trying to get through.

She's always hoping and praying for me. I know she was wishing for me to get asked to prom just as much as i was. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I know she was hoping for me to get this job or that job or that one or this one or that one or that one or perhaps this one or maybe the next one or the one i applied to first or the one that i'll apply to twice or thrice. I guess that just wasn't meant either.

I know my mom is never going to limit me. Ever. Of course there's curfews and "don't date guys any more that 3 years older than you until you're in college" or something, but she's never going to say i can't love this boy because he's too anything or i can't obsess over this band because they're too whatever. She's going to support me in whatever I do and never hold me back with restrictions. And the restrictions that do hold me back, i make for myself because i was taught well. "Cuz my [mommy] taught me good."

I trust i'll be calling her near daily when i move out. I hear so many people with families and lives now that say "You never know how much you need your mom till she's not there right across the hall". I believe that all the way. that's why i'm trying to take every advantage to learn from her and to just spend time with her as I can. Still, i'm glad she's already implanted all those bits of intellect in me that i don't need her to hold my hand, but just to be a phonecall away.

I'll end it here with a little anecdote because this is just so sentimental that i almost can't stand it. anyway... i was sitting with Hannah and Kar in math class and hannah was filling out a form to enter her mom in a "best mom" competition or something and Kar said "oh, i should enter my mom! she's the best!" and hannah said "She can't beat my mom!" or something and then I said "I guess i shouldn't enter my mom... because she would whoop yo mom's tush!"

Happy Mother's Day!!!! I LOVE YOU MOM!!!

love, Ellen.

out of the way

here are some things i'm just going to start off with and get them out of the way quick. like a bandaid:

1. bin Laden is dead. How dead, we have no idea. Apparently he was buried at sea and all i've seen are the pictures of his blood on his carpet. They say they wanted to take him away alive but it almost looks like he was napping, the way the blood was right next to his bed... anyway. he's dead. i don't think it's really right to be cheering that he's dead, rather be cheering that we are one step closer to ending all this insanity. All we have to do is wait and pray that they don't try to fight back.


2. my first AP test is over. It was probably the one i was fearing the least, actually. It's one thing to have 2 AP classes, but totally different to have 3 tests. it's killing me. i really need to start doing yoga after school and going to bed earlier. but we all know that's not happening. hah. instead, i think i'm just going to keep reminding myself to stay calm, don't get too anxious, breathe, and think about what lies ahead: marriage. jk. probably getting a job and then college and then marriage. you know, the norm.


3. This "Royal Wedding" business. Some people think it's no biggie. But seriously, it's pretty big. Yeah, they kinda went overboard with their budget... but who, with that kind of money, wouldn't. Kate is becoming a stinkin' princess for cryin' out loud! What little girl doesn't dream of that (and don't say, "me. i was a tom-boy." because i know that, deep down, we all want to marry Prince William or Prince Harry (personally, i choose the latter.))? Plus, it was a beautiful ceremony (minus the hours of singing and talking about Princess Di. I understand it's sad that she's dead, I just think we need to stop dwelling on the sad past and look to the brighter future.) with awesome hats. hah.

now that that's out of the way... here's some cool things i'm excited about:

1. Emily asked me to be a model! okay, i'm just going to admit it. I watch WAY too much tv, and with that come ANTM. yeah, i know... I just love looking pretty and practicing "smeyes" (smiling with your eyes - Tyra). I think it'll be tons of fun and a really cool experience.


2. On Thursday, my yw group is going to the Tulip Festival! All the pretty flowers and it's supposed to be warm that day (75 degrees, i hear.)! And half of my end-of-year-final-huge-tests will be over. it'll be a great way to recharge for the next round of stress. It'll be great. i kinda wish we could've gone to the Carl Bloch exhibit, but it's okay.. maybe the next time? if there is one?


3. Friday, hopefully, i'm visiting UVU. I've tried to book a tour 3 times now. and all 3 times they've cancelled. My mom said "if they cancel again, you're going to another school." great. what school? I've denied the other schools and their scholarships already. I mean, i could go to Weber but there'd be less scholarship and i'd stay home. Sounds fun and all... but i think i need to experience life. i'm nervous, but i can do it. i just need to keep telling myself that.


4. GRADUATION. let me just say it, i'm totally stoked for graduation. maybe not the ceremony... but definitely all the parties and the friends and the free stuff and the diploma and the food and gifts. it's gonna be great. and it's comin up like a rocket. aka speedy. very. It'll be super great! AHhhhhhh!

i think that's enough excitement. for one night, eh? cool. now i'm going to bed and sleeping in. Late-start, ya'll!

-Elle