Flow - Csikszentmihalyi

• I really like art. I appreciate the artists and how they can just spend hours and hours in spurts of intense creativity and produce a masterpiece. I'm not really a flow kind of person. I have to have a set thing and a due date. It would probably also help if i had some art supplies. So once Robert's goes out of business (like i was hearing they are..) i'll buy tons of supplies for cheap and then go flow.


• p.s. csikszentmihalyi came up with the concept of flow which is a intense stream of creative conciousness when most of time-perception dissolves until that spurt of flow ends. I'm studying for the psychology ap test. I think i got this. I've been getting at least 7o's on all my practice tests, which is like a 4 in ap speak, and there is no way to study for english except practicing. so i'm just going to keep doing my best and getting sleep.


• meanwhile, i'm getting an attitude adjustment. and hopefully more sleep. it's only TEN and i'm going to bed soon! Also, i've given up most hope for prom. it's okay, i'll just use my free hairstyle for graduation. i'll be the hottest one there.

i feel like i gotta say more. or quote something. hmm...

• George: Ah, what's the matter with you then?


• Ringo: It's his grandfather. I can tell he doesn't like me. It's cuz i'm little.


• George: Ah, you've got an inferiority complex, you have.


• Ringo: Yeah, I know. That's why I play the drums - it's me active compensatory factor.

that's funny cuz it has inferiority complex. and that was thought up by Alfred Adler. (yay for applying beatles to psychology study! now i'll pass for sure!)

• goinga abed. going to bed. okay.


• -Ellen

Chocolate Bunny,

Chocolate bunny.... being ate by me, chocolate bunny. (to the tune of baby monkey. yeah, the grammar is off but that's the only way it'd fit.)

• I wonder if i still gotta do this bullet thing.. i'm not going to take any chances though because i want to go to sleep. i have to get all the sleep i can before these ap tests. did you know they're NEXT WEEK? whack, yo. total whack. i didn't even realize till today. my first one is monday, the second on thursday, the last on the wednesday of the week after and then i have my ce math test the next day (aka thursday). so so much. and i'm expected to finish all this crappin' yearbook junk too. WHY don't you make the ones who are loafing around do all the work? or at least help carry my burden?? I have SO MUCH CRAP TO DO. ugh.


• plus i'm still on the lookout for a job. i think that i will be granted one after ap tests are over. I believe Heavenly Father knows how stressed I am and how much i need a job and I think He knows best and will help me through one thing at a time. He knows what i'm going through so why not trust Him?


• Easter was yesterday. i got 20 bucks, some chocolate, and some gum. my parents bought me floor mats for my car in exchange for 18 of those dollars. so the total comes to 1 handful mini chocolate bars, 1 (mostly eaten) german chocolate bunny, 2 packs of gum, full set of car floor mats, and 2 dollars. it's cool.


• I went to a party on saturday. it was cool. a bunch of high school seniors, eating food, listening to music (ryan shupe and the rubber band - mmm... nate the drummer....) and watching nutty cloggers (disco sucks), dancing to wack music (and some cool stuff mixed in. but a small amount.) and driving to ogden and back. wasn't my first time on the freeway, but definitely the farthest distance i've ever driven without my family in the car, shrieking and grabbing at the wheel when i accidentally steer too far in my lane.. i was a new driver, what can i say? it happens. and now i'm much much better and i'm not driving a minivan. nuff' said.


• i'm going to bed. it's going to be a cool sleep, yo. (what? i'm in a whacko mood.... meh.) oh, and also, speakin of sleep and tagging that with nutty dreams, i had a dream that i was dating (or at least holding hands with) kev-ed and A.P. (not austin powers... just mix him with michael phelps. i hope you get that. i don't wanna like say his name on here just cuz. andyway..). they would change every once in a while and i think at one point, i was holding austin's hand and erchap's hand and going into a control room for something and then i look over and kev-ed is where austin was. whack. and it was all normal. no romance or anything, just handholding. i guess here's where my beatles reference of the time kicks in "i wanna hold your hand."


• also, that same night, i had a dream where i think i was in a student body officer campain but i wasn't running, i was just helping everyone. i was in a craft store and Dakota was there and he was like "you running?" and i said "no." and then i think we held hands there too. it was a dream DREAM. latent content only, i promise. no manifest content whatsoever. (i also felt the need to toss in some psychology terminology for good measure.)


• night, peeps.


• Elle Capitan. (i think that's like french or something. meh. it's probably spelled wrong anyway. )

This will be our year.

• is a song by the zombies. I heart the Zombies. I was thinkin' bout this earlier, beetles (beatles) and zombies are pretty scary (okay.. so beetles aren't all that scary. just squish em like any other bug and done.. but still) and they're both my faves of the time. This Will Be Our Year is like my anthem of the end of the year. it's going to be my year. i've been waiting for this my whole life even though i never ever thought in a million years that this would even happen.


• It's almost surreal how high school is almost over. I've already rsvp'd and paid for the all night graduation party. i have the graduation announcements, all i need is to put them together. UGHHH the only thing i need now is for my teacher to get on the computer, dang it, and allow me to take my proctored final!!!! I've emailed her 5 times now and she still hasn't responded. I NEED TO TAKE THAT TEST TO GRADUATE. All of the things i've been planning on and hoping for depend on this test and she's being ignorant of my need. I have to have it done by may 1st. please bless she gives me the go-ahead. please.....


• also please bless i get asked to prom. people sometimes say "oh, you'll get asked." and then i say "do you know something i don't?" and they say "no... " and then i think "thanks for being nice, but i don't think i will. i'm not really a 'stand out' kinda girl. just the kind that hangs around and is cool but isn't really the one you're after. eh. it's okay. i'll just save my free formal hairstyle for graduation. if i even get to do it. because of that test. ugh.


• So i just applied to Harmon's. i need a job. i've said this already. i really really really need a job. by sunday would be nice. if i get a job by sunday, i get to go to florida. it's really starting to look bleak, though, considering i only have 2 more days. i don't even think it's really about going to florida as much as it is that i just need a job and need to be able to pay for college. i'm applying early, considering everyone gets a summer job! please, employers, i'm a good person and i'll work my absolute hardest. thanks.


• i'm making a really stinkin awesome gnome ring for my jewelry class. it's gonna spank mightilly. mightily? eh. nevermind. i'm going to bed.


• /elle/

Picking flowers for a friend who came to play

• I am recently in love with Cry Baby Cry by... you guessed it... the Beatles. It's so.. great. I listened to it a while ago and every once in a while when it came on shuffle on my lappy and then i had it stuck in my head during the 2nd 3 hour psychology study session (seriously... they help. but my mind becomes pretty mushy by the end of it) and i came home, ate some cheesecake and vacuumed (more about that in a minute) and then pulled it up on my lappy and listened to it 4 or 5 or 10 times. i lose count. (p.s. if'n you didn't realize by now, the title is a line from the song. not a prominent line but i still liked it enough to title-ize it)

• So, i'm assuming your asking "why were you vacuuming so late at night?" the answer is this: We got new WINDOWS! and they had to bust mine out like it was a hot beat. ignore that.. hah. anyway, now i can escape in case of fire! AND I can open my window to let in the breeze! AND i can't hear everything happening outside my window! hooorah! it's so great!. now we just need our neighbor to either move or keep his stupid carport light off so i can enjoy this new thing. p.s. it's snowing. and it's april. and i hate the snow. BUT as soon as it melts and there is no more snow until next winter, i'll be fine.

• Another cool thing! i have been diligently job searching. and i had an interview at firehouse. i felt confident and cool and, even though i was put on the spot, i think the interview went really well. he thought it was cool because he'd never met an Ellen before and I could play the ukulele. doubleawesome. sheahhh. okay.

• that's basically all. so long, farewell, some german for goodbye! (i think it's german...) -Ellen

Tomorrow Never Knows

*once again.... i don't know what's wrong with this thing. i always just end up with cussin ugly paragraph rather than the neat, organized post i had planned. jerk... so i put it in bullets. maybe that'll work...*

• I was really trying hard to find a good title for this one. and nothing came. So i snatched up the trusty ipod, scrolled through a bunch of Beatles (of course...) at random and clicked "Tomorrow Never Knows". pretty great.


• anyway. mainly, i just wanna say that things have been awesomely weird lately. Like how now i'm "dating" Danbit but really it's just combined efforts in the stalking of Erchap and her mate(?). It's cool.


• plus he (and erin) got me hooked on The Young Victoria. (yeah... another link. i swear it's my computer or something because it takes years to try and embed things and then i give up. but still click upon it, please.) Oh, my. I stinkin' love Rupert Friend. he's SO HANDSOME. oh, boy. hah. plus the music is so fantastic. sheesh. I like classical things sometimes. Also, I think i just wanna travel back in time and wear their clothes. that'd be cool.


• Another weird thing is graduation. yeah. that's happening. soon. like 2 months. I'm excited. And i keep getting more and more excited with the changing weather. I just want all this snow to disintegrate and the sun to come out and play with me, oh, mister sun... hah. Also school is cool and all because i get to see my chums and i'm not loafing around all day doing nothing.


• OH. and i'm still on my job-hunt. please bless that one of the 4 or 5 positions i've applied for will come through. i'm really pulling for Jamba Juice, though. Because it's healthy and lively and fun and hip and cool and yeah. but i'll go for firehouse or arctic circle (ehh... maybe pulling a whole lot less there...).


• anyway.. yeah. i've gotta read for English. i'm behind.. like normal. but whatever.


• Ellesapelle

If I could say it as well as Jason...

Okay. i'm freaking sick of trying to fix the crappin format on this thing. so just deal with the huge long paragraph that was originally like 5 separate paragraphs and the double spaced poem that's only two stanzas and the other dumb things this post has to offer. I'd be one heck of an optimist. And by Jason, I mean Jason Mraz. Check out his blog. it's pure inspiration with a squeeze of funny. If i were as chill and mellow and rad as JM, i'd probably be a hippie. totally high on life. But life takes blows to my gut and, even though i end up throwing up at 5:30 in the morning and sleeping on the couch till my mom comes in assuming i'm my sister who coincidentally was puking a couple days ago and then realizing it's me and not really saying anything after than, i'll take them. And even when I feel shut off, i'll keep pressing on. I took this picture for the 365 blog... i haven't done that in forever because i've not had time or a camera to do it with... eh. plus my format was crapping out and the only way to fix it was with a picture. I'm freaking lucky to know music. Well... maybe not lucky... but i'm stinkin glad i do. I'm not real great, but i'm practicing. Lately, i've been playing improvisational piano. I love it! It's so calming and relaxing and it makes me feel good. If i was half as good of an improv pianist as John Krammer, i'd be amazing. but i'm only like 1/16 of his greatness. And i'm okay with that. And the uke is a wonderfully calming instrument as well. It's so relaxing just to strum some chords and throw in some rhythm and have pure bliss. If only the sun were shining... then i could go outside and sit on my lawn chair and play the ukulele while (essentially) photosynthesizing the sun's rays. that sounds like the life. But no. It's snowing. And it's april. And it's still spring break. Why? My last spring break at home and i'm caught in a blizzard. whatever... I have a plan for this weekend. I think we're getting new gutters and soughets tomorrow (or something like that...) so i think my dad is staying home... But sometime in the day, i'm planning on slipping out and job-searching. I have a list of 12 places so far. hopefully the 7 no's to my 1 yes will apply here... then i'll at least get one yes. plus i've applied to 3 other places already (not on my list for this weekend). If I can't get to all the places or think of more, i'll go again on Saturday. Today, i half wished i was still in Mt. Pleasant and half was glad i was home. I'm sad i wasn't gone because i'm being sat upon by a nag (if you get that weird drift...) and half glad because i wouldn't want to throw up or be sick in Mt. Pleasant at all. eh. I wrote a poem. It's not very good... it's a free verse. but it was how i was feeling earlier. I just had to get it out. it's this:

a doll once played with

could have the same joy

as one that sits on the

shelf of memories now repressed

or only forgotten

She was enjoyed until She had a flaw

and then was tossed aside

to collect dust

This doll was once beautiful.

she used to have sparkling blue eyes

her skin the perfect porcelain

She fell upon the floor

too many times to count

If she had tears, there would be none

left for her to cry out.

Now she sits upon the shelf

collecting dust

I don't know if you can copyright things without like legal mumbo-jumbo, but this is officially copyrighted. because i like it. I had originally wrote something else, but then i decided to chang the whole thing, basically. this is better, trust me. -Ellen. p.s. sorry about the double posting... i didn't realize until after i'd written most of this that i'd just posted yesterday. or technically two days ago considering it's midnight... oops... hah.

Peace Owl.

Jus got back from a freakin awesome week with T and Lex (hah, t. lex. t-lex. ahhaaaah.) at Mt. Pleasant. And (mt.) Pleasant it was! Here are some things we did:

• walked round and round, but for me it was a slight jog. those chickas are such speeedy pacers!


• ate lots of ice cream. like 3 things. yaaay.


• T and Lex got feather extensions and Lex got a mullet. uuuuuggghhhh soooooo jealous. BUT i'm thinking of doing my hear in an a-symetrical thing with a bob and it's called a "beret" and it was hip in like the 70's and 60's and i'm stoked! i just gotta wait some months to grow my hairs out some more. then i might get a feather extension too. if it's cheap. hopully it is.


• bought a cool owl necklace (at Syndi's Salon where the hair stuff aforementioned occured)


• swang on the swings at the elem. school until our hips were as bruised as a.. thing that is really bruised...


• finger painted with my new finger paints! yeah! so art.


• watched 3/4 of Dead Poet Society, most of BJH's Joseph (2010), and Amelie (heart heart) so so so good. why can't i have a hot man on a moped in france? sheesh... hah


• ate tasty tasty fooood. i love food. but i'm so not hungry anymore. like i don't know if i can eat anything else for the rest of the week.


• drove places and had fun.

great way to spend 1/2 of spring break, yah! minus all the super yuck coughing. i'm sick of it! good night! plus, like 3 hours after i got home, i got the "Get a job! You're so picky! Go work at McDonalds, Pizza Factory, and Seagull book even though those are the ONLY places you DON'T want to work!" speech. I'LL GET A FREAKIN JOB I JUST DON'T WANT TO WORK AT THE AFORMENTIONED PLACES! so i slammed around in my room for a while, went upstairs to find no one, went on a drive to the temple "please, bless"ing that my brakes don't fail because i need brake fluid and we don't have any, came home to no one, wrote a song on the piano (but really, it was all improv), got my old fitforlife text book back from Kristen and some cookies, chatted, and watched CSI. then went downstairs to my frigid room that is stinky (idk why... i haven't been home most of the week.) and put on jams.

i'm basically ready for this week to be over. perhaps even this year. even though it's only the middle of spring break. what the cuss? (as lex would say) why can't i just get a job when someone wants to hire me? WHY won't anyone HIRE ME? I'm nice, reliable, responsible, honest, hard-working, quick-to-learn, witty, smart, on-time, personable, friendly, and all those other qualities all your other employees have. I just don't understand why. probably because i'm partial to myself, but who isn't? Is it because i have no work experience? because i'd gladly gain some if you'd just put me to work... please.

it would also be nice if my body stopped hurting. uuuuuuuuugh.

cool. (as usual, i know, stop bloggin at so late! but i'm just going to keep doing it because that's just when it happens. deal.)

-Ellaphella.

It always comes in 3's

ow why ow ow! uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. you know how bad things "always come in threes" yeah. it just did.

1. knowing i'm not going to prom with the man i wanted. but i'm not giving up hope! there's always a possibility that someone else will ask me in the 21 school days that we have till prom (not a creep, there's a poster that says it.)

2. at walmart. got gum on one of my favorite nice shirts. and IT WASN'T MINE. eweewewewewewewewewew. eeeeeeeeeeeeew. why are people idiots? "oh, yeah. it'll be totally chilll if i just stick my gum here where people can easily touch it... april fools, you got gum on you! heh heh heh." jerk.

3. all i wanted was my journal. my measly little journal from my backpack. i wasn't going upstairs to sneak out or to steal some meds from the cupboard. I run up 80% of the stairs - in the dark, mind you - and then splat. the only non-carpet part of the stairs cuts my knee and i somehow hurt my forearm also. heeeeck! now i'm in pain, hobbling around in the dark, fumbling for my journal and some bandaids. ow. ugh.

it'll be fine. none of these are serious, they just constitute for a pretty sucky time. at least at least it's conference weekend! and i might go to T's mt. pleasant residence! sahwheat! so that'll make up for the dissappointment, gum-shirt, and bleeding. definitely.

AND AND AND! HAPPY SPRING TIME!!!!! I freakin love rolling down my windows and playing fun music that people don't usually expect (i.e. 50's, 80's, totally ghetto rap knock-off things..) and wearing shorts and flying kites and having adventures and everything accompanying warm weather. including sweating and overheating. why not? at least you don't have to pile on blankets and pillows and build a fire and hunker down so as not to freeze. rather just take off your shoes, spread out a blanket in the shade, take a nap with a nice book and some iced lemonade. perfect. truth is, i sometimes get cold in the warm weather when i'm in the shade. it's weird, really, but i'd probably rather sit under a tree with a good amount of sun shining through than an umbrella. it just warms me right up.

warm is gooooooood.

love, ellen

p.s. this thing is driving me absolutely insane. if it's in full-on-no-double-spacing, i'm truly sorry. something was on crack on here and decided to suck so sorry.

p.p.s this is a pic of me lexicon drew with her skills for my Ellen Eats column for the danegeld. it's also an attempt to make this thing quit sucking a little. mkay. cool.